How to irritate your clinician
I recently posted a singular rant about a patient that wound me up…I thought perhaps I should expand on other things that really get my goat.
Somethings patients do really make me mad. I’m going to tell you what you can do to wind your clinician up into a frenzied urge to prescribe you a large suppository and offer to apply it with their boot!
Disclaimer the following information is NOT recommended if you want to receive a pleasant consultation and appropriate assessment and management.
1: Take your young child to the practitioner, allow the practitioner to spend time gaining your childs trust, and then just as the practitioner goes to do something invasive (look in their ears, mouth or butt) say nice and clearly:
“Ooooh, she’s not going to like that!”
Thus filling your child with dread and impending doooooom, so they scream, kick and generally make the rest of the consultation and any following consultations absolutely impossible. If however you decide to keep your mouth shut, the practitioner would be done and dusted before the co-operative child could say, “Can I have a sticker please?”
2: Open the consultation with a bold diagnostic statement and treatment “request” like: “I’ve got a chest infection and want antibiotics”. This immediately make the clinician think: I don’t care if you’ve double pneumonia, I’m going to tell you it’s a mild cold and tell you to take paracetamol”
3:Just don’t wash for a week prior to consultation.
4: Dramatise your symptoms. “I’ve <cough cough cough> got a <cough cough cough> cough”, and then don’t cough for the rest of the consultation, or… Limp in complaining of leg pain, get assessed and walk out without a limp. This will make the clinician smile and say in earshot of the patient “God I’m good, I laid my hands on your leg and resolved your limp”.
5: Allow the consultation for your 16 week slight rash to meet it’s conclusion and then as you get up and leave say…”While I’m here I ought to mention this crushing chest pain that woke me this morning”
6: Sit in the waiting room not considering what you’ll say when your called through, and then spend the first 5 minutes of your appointment saying: “Well it sort of started…no.. that’s not right…yes probably…Monday last week, could have been Tuesday…with these odd feeling…well not so much a feeling as a sensation…well sort of….hmmm, well it’s not really pain so much as….ohh, actually it was probably Monday. Yes that’s right because I’d played golf on the Sunday before and my cousin said it sounded a bit like what he has, but his is more sort of lower, whereas mine isn’t……” etc etc/
7: Save the most vital piece of information until the very end of the appointment…it’s like hiding the last few pieces of the jigsaw. For example: “Did I mention I’d be hit by a lump hammer before the headaches started?”
8: Come in at least one week after all of your symptoms have resolved because…you want to know what you had.
9: Start the appointment with: “I didn’t want to see you, but I couldn’t get an appointment with my favourite doctor”
10: Have your opening statement as “It began early in the Great War..”
Well there’s plenty more I’m sure, but these are my top ten… feel free to add your own…