As I get a tiny bit older (not old, just older), I realise my perception of time isn’t quite right. I see the patients date of birth and think…oooh they were born in 1994, and I look down the corridor expected some little kid with bunches and a cute smile. Instead I am grunted at by a spotty, 6ft teenager…
My heart sinks…I like seeing cute kids, they are easier to communicate with than teenagers. I realise the teenager is without parent….my heart sinks further… I realise the teenager has bought one or more friends with her, there is a dull thud as my heart sinks so far it falls out of my shoe.
This happens on a regular basis, these “kids” are sexually active… and they want to see me to talk about “it“…kill me, kill me now…
Actually that gives the wrong impression. I like educating people about safe sex etc. but sometimes I say things they don’t want to hear. I like to think I am “down with the kids” and have “my finger on the pulse”….
…but I think they probably think I some old guy who hasn’t heard about sex. The opposite is true and this is part of the problem, I am wise to the ways of young teenage boys (I even confess to having been one once). More concernedly I am aware of the ways of some older teenage boys towards younger teenage girls… (but no I was never “like that”…I was attracted to slightly older women when I was younger…and not preying on younger girls who had a ton of make- up on, but that’s another story).
Where am I going with this? It’s one of the subject I have so much to say on I don’t know what to say…and that’s a bit how my consultations with these patients go.
The more I talk to these ignorant (and I mean that literally rather than rudely) teenagers, the more I find things I need to tell them, some is in the realms of the consultation and some probably isn’t… like “I don’t care if your boyfriend does like condoms…HE isn’t going to get pregnant!!”
So I do my best not to sound fatherly…
and I TRY to get across to the girls about safe sex, not just pregnancy avoidance but HIV/Chlamydia/Crabs/Syphilis/Gonorrhoea/Genital Warts/NSU/Herpes/TV/Scabies/Hep B/Syphilis avoidance. Yes girlies there are that many…probably more, and then I think I may have got through to them…it’s doubtful but I might just have got through.
Then I realise I have wasted my time, not because they aren’t intelligent enough to understand, but the fact I’m talking to the wrong people… it’s those dumb ass pricks that are the problem.
A young lad came to my room this week and the yoof said…
“I fink I’ve got chlamydia again”.
So I kindly ask : “Why didn’t you learn to use a condom after your last “bout”?”
Yoof replies: “Well we’ve been together for a few monfs, so we stopped using it”.
Max… “BUT WHY????” I think they think that a few month into a relationship when “love” develops all sexually transmitted nasties die off… They seem to think that love is like some kind of antibiotic to sexually transmitted infections….
Yoof retorts: ” It’s not my fault it’s the girls in this town, their all scanky”
Max retorts rhetorically: “…and where do you think they caught their infections from????”
Perhaps this is the big problem, we are talking to the girls, when we should be talking to the boys and perhaps we are assuming they, as sexually active individuals, are adults and aiming our advice at too higher level. OK so from now on I will talk to them as children and make reference to popular children’s characters…
…”if you Dipsy your Tinky Winky into her La La and have UPSI daisy, you’ll likely to get Spot the Dog on Tinky Winky”…
That’s it…I’ve been threatening long enough to do it….I’m off to the school and going to do an assembly….to the BOYS!!! I’m sure they will stop laughing and vandalising my car after a few months!