Alternative Medical Dictionary

Definitions of words and origins of sayings have always fascinated me. So I think it’s time we compiled a ever growing medical dictionary.

As promised I’ve crfeatesd a page for this so it can grow forever…Please add a comment and include your own definitions. Go on you might just enjoy it!!! (Why do I bother? I can see that lack of enthusiasm glazing over your face. Go on just think of one!!! They’ve got to be better than some of the corny ones below!!)

Amenorrhoea :
1: [Amen-hurray-arr] Meaning: So be it, thank goodness, a celebration of no longer having periods, followed by the realisation that you are about to have a hot flush.
2: [Ay-men-aroun
‘-‘ere]. A condition of absent period that can be induced by pregnancy, derived from the old Anglo-Saxon expression used by fathers who discover that there daughters are pregnant. “Aye? You’ve ‘ad a man around ‘ere!”

Cardiologist [Cardy-ologist]: A specialist in the field of button fronted knit wear.

Cerebro-vascular Accident [CVA]: The Stroke Association states a CVA “happens when the blood supply to part of the brain is cut off and brain cells are damaged or die”. I’d like to clarify when they say “cut off”, they mean blocked and not amputated. Having the blood supply to your brain amputated is likely to cause one hell of a headache, really you’d need the police, a lawyer and not to mention one rather good neurosurgeon! The use of the word Accident also needs clarification, you can’t have a “Cerebro-vascular did it on purpose”.

Chlamydia: [clam-mid-ye-ha] Sexual infection that won’t spread if you clammed up you mid area.

Diarrhoea: [dire-rear] Something bad is happening to your rear.

Gonorrhoea: [goner-here] A sexual infection suggesting that someone that came has now gone and left something with you.

Macroscopic: [Macro-skop-ik] See “microscopic” but bigger.

Mastitis: [Mass- tit-tes] An infection of the breasts that makes you have a mass of the titties.

A red tit, not to be confused with the blue tit found on a hypothermic patient.

Microscopic: [My-crow-skop-ik]:

Sphygmomanometer. [S-fig-mo-nom-o-metre]: Truly a brilliant word, firstly if you ignore the false vowel (“y”- (y not?)). It has a full 6 letters before it reaches a proper vowel! Definition: Well the “meter” bit means obviously that it measures something. So it obviously measures “sphygmomano’s”, which are the amount of male mummies in a Sphinx. Doh!

Stroke: [st-r-oke!] Something you can do to a cat even if only one half of you body works. See also Cerebro-vascular Accident.

Syphilis: [sieve-a-list] A sexual infection in which the sexual health clinic will have to sieve through a list of all you sexual conquests and ring them up to let them know what you’ve shared with them.

Tinnitis: [Tin-ear-tis and not Tit-te-ness as my elderly relative used to call it] A noise in the ear that can be tinny.

Vaginosis: [Vag-he-noses] A vaginal infection that smells to the extent your boyfriend might notice.

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