Dick Tations case files…

Posted on November 26, 2008. Filed under: Benign, Did I say that? |

This week something in a patients notes was drawn to my attention.

I had sent a lady in her late 30’s for a chest X-ray, the report that returned read…

“Chest Xray clear, no evidence of infection or abnormality, as far as I can tell this lady has a very nice chest”

“Blimey” I thought.  Did he actually mean to put all of that information into his report? Had he either forgot to switch his Dictaphone off or assumed his secretary was actually paying attention to what she was typing and would just laugh and leave that bit out.

This reminded me of some of the classics entries in medical notes. These are doing the rounds and I can not vouch for how genuine they are, but in this job you soon learn the dafter something is, the more likely it is to be true.  So for those of you that haven’t seen them…

1: No previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40lb weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in A & E , she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

(Perhaps she got rid of the little sh*t)

19. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

22. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

23. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

24. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

26. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

27. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

28. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

29. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

30. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

31. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.


There was also a segment in one of the GP magazines, where people write in funny occurrences, and one GP was saying how (like me), his typing goes out the window when he is running late and subsequently realised he had written a patient was to have his “arse syringed”.  A simple case of right letters, wrong order, but could have led to a particularly unpleasant colonic irrigation.

Let me know what you find…


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