Archive for April, 2009

Pigs might flu?!?

Posted on April 30, 2009. Filed under: Apply topically |

Well I don’t think on this occasion I need to post a news link to the story I’m discussing… Swine flu!  (unless you have been cave dwelling of course).

Swine fever has hit!  Yes, I said Swine fever and not swine flu. It’s not the illness that amuses me, it’s the media hype and general “excitement” surrounding it!

The news has been nicely winding the public into a frenzied state.  The ITN news this week was highlighting countries that had been affected. Even if there was only one case the whole country turned red in their exciting graphics, until it looked like all of the America’s were about to loose their whole population, 1/2 of Europe had been wiped out and of course Scotland!

Then the presenter (in the same…”oh my god you’re all going to die…but I’ll be OK because I’m a celebrity” voice) showed a graphic of the WHO alert moving from 3 to 4, as if it was happening at the very moment he talked about it, suggesting things are getting worse by the second.

FOR GOD SAKE!!!! Everybody relax.  Yes some people may die from it…like they do every year from influenza’s, but most people may get a bit of a headache and feel crap for a few days. The government are concerned as we are in a recession and if a pandemic hits hard it will increase health spending and damage infrastructure – i.e lorry drivers, supermarket staff and public sector workers will be temporarily in short supply due to them having a few sickies, which will be an inconvenience and cause stress.

It’s as simple as that….unless you want to hear my conspiracy theories…

You do?

Are you sure??

OK then….

Every generation has to do something to polish off a chunk of the population to stop over crowding.  A world war usually does the trick. Old Bush n’ Blair tried to get a headcount going by irritating the Middle East, but the population wasn’t culled enough. So they put a plan together…

They set the cogs in motion and ensured they were both out of power when it set in.  Just 3 month’s after Bush ducks out of the White House it all kicks off! 

This strain of Swine flu is a combination of 4 other flu viruses….  How did they get together?  Flubook? Met at a party?  Much more likely they were  mixed in a secret lab somewhere!

Bush ensured it all kicked off in Mexico, hopeful that the poor Mexican’s will perish and the American’s can move in. Let’s face it they are running out of space to build MacDonalds over there!

Don’t believe me??  Who do you trust more? Bush or Max???

OK I just made that up…good fun though.  The whole Swine flu thing is just a hoax to get people to stop focusing on the current financial mess and get the reporters to focus on something else.

It’s obvious really. Swines…AKA “pigs”

Flu as in “Flew”, past tense of “to fly” 

… “Pigs might fly” expression suggesting that something’ll never happen.

If pigs fly will the price of Bacon go up???

Oh! How I’ll look back on this next month and laugh…in my side room between doses of my antiviral medication…

…and if you want to get hooked and find the latest cases look here… thanks to the Twittering Jacob Spencer for this!!

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Tree! Mend us!

Posted on April 16, 2009. Filed under: Apply topically, Foreign Bodies |

A fantastic story in this weeks news about a 28 year old Russian man called Artyom Sidorkin.  Who presented to Doctors with chest pains, he was sent for X-ray.   The X-ray showed a large shadow and Doctors told Mr Sidorkin that they feared he had lung cancer.

Presumably with a previously healthy young man with a lung shadow, they wasted no time taking him to surgery, on opening him up they found…he didn’t have cancer. So what was causing the shadow??? A 5cm fir tree! I’m not teasing!  It’s in the papers and the news.

Watch carefully I’ll be asking questions afterwards.

 OK so you’ve seen the report, here are your questions…. 

1: How many people where required to remove the small fir tree??

One?  Two? or Tree fellers?

2:  Did they get the thoracic surgeon to operate, or did they call a tree surgeon?

3: If it had grown bigger would they have to tear him limb from limb or just operate on his trunk?

Enough puns questions, I’ll leaf it there for today!

…and now for something completely different….for anyone who’s ever loved a doctor!  (I’ve only ever dated a Doctor’s daughter…trivial but no punch line!!)



I tried to put Julie Andrews in here, but it wouldn’t let me imbed her (oo-er) so you’ll have to settle for the rather wacky Janet Klein (I’ll be returning her to Nurse Ratcheds care).

 Toodle pip!!

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Painful language barrier!

Posted on April 2, 2009. Filed under: Benign, Journal from behind the desk... |

I may be wise, but just sometimes I struggle to get myself through a language barrier. 

Oddly I am not talking about the Chmjelewski family, who arrived from Poland last week and can speak English better than I can call their name in the waiting room. 

I’m talking about those Anglo-Saxon’s and Britons.  When I first moved to this area I had some problems adapting to the local dialect.

I remember one conversation with a yocal that went along the lines of…

Pt: “I’ve got a problem with me hair”

Max: “Oh…what’s happening?”

Pt: “I got wacks in it”

Max thinks…Hmmmm, local term for head lice perhaps… and says…”is it itchy?” 

Pt: “No, but it’s a bit squelchy”

Max thinks …Oh! He means he’s got wax in his hair…well so have I, it stops my hair going fluffy and keeps that slightly spiky look in control.

 So Max says: “So what’s actually the problem with it??”

Pt (looking at Max as if he is really stupid)…”Well I can’t ‘ear of course”


Max: “So how long have you had the problem with your ear wax?”

But I’ve been around these parts for a while now and can understand the locals accent without too much of a problem.  But yesterday I realised it’s not always the accent that causes problems.  A man presented with knee trouble…and as I examined him I asked if it was painful when I pressed the area, to which he replied….

“It’s not painful at all, it just hurts all the time”.

Sometimes it’s best not to persue things any further. So I smiled and said “OK!!”

Now of course I recall the very painful essay I had to write as a first year nursing student on “Pain”. Like all the other spotty eager nursing fledglings, I quoted McCaffery who defines pain as “what the patient says it is, and it’s as bad as the patient says it is.”  So if the patient says it’s not painful, and it hurts, then so be it…I didn’t prescribe any pain killers, but some hurt killers instead!!!

A final note to remember if a posh Brit says: “I’ve gort a pin in the Horse”

Check to see if they have a pain in the arse, before you call for the vet to look for the pin….It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack!


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