Archive for December, 2010

Winter Wonderland.

Posted on December 17, 2010. Filed under: Apply topically |

It’s that time of year again when I like to destroy a perfectly good seasonal song…. so here we go again… thought with all the snow we’re having it was time to pick on winter wonderland!

Chesty coughs, are you listening? 
In the waiting room, snot is glistening
A hideous sight,
We’ve been coughing all night.
Sneezing in a winter wonderland.

Slipping down,  went the old bird,
Fractured Hip… How absurd?,
In hospital for too long,
Sleeping in the NHS corridor.

 “Can you make my cold go by Christmas, Man?”
This makes the clinician frown
Patients say: “Antibiotics?”
We’ll say: “No man”, 
But you can have them…
 …when your snot turns to brown

Last night, we had a hall for hire,
All got drunk, filled with desire
Now to face unafraid, 
The mistakes that we’ve made,
Shame in the staff party wonderland.

 In reception we can build a snot-man
from all the snotty tissue left around



We’ll have lots of fun with mister snot-man,
Until a new super virus is found.

When surgery closes it’s thrilling,
Though in out-of-hours we could make a killing

We’ll frolic and play, through the bank holiday,
Working in a winter wonderland.

Well that’s that job done for this year. Have a smasher of a christmas period, and remember to go careful out there!!

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Relapse of Max’s chronic condition…

Posted on December 10, 2010. Filed under: Did I say that? |

I have been so good lately, but this week I have had an exacerbation of my Chronic F-i-M syndrome. It amazes me that when it occurs I don’t get more pain in my knees or dental problems. Yes, it’s proven Foot-in-Mouth syndrome (- thankfully I think my writing style has improved since this early blog)

2 main exacerbations this week:

Firstly a patient who was a little snotty – both in psychologically and physiologically,  presented with sinusitis.  Now sinusitis is a condition that always gets on my nuggets. I can sympathise having had blinding sinusitis myself, but sometimes patients come in with such minimal signs and symptoms and demand antibiotics. So I confess in this particular case my heckles were well and truly up, as she had symptoms for a few days and very little to show for it clinically. Now I kindly pointed out to this nicotine stained, eau d’ashtray adorned lady, that smoking was one of the worse things she could do. 

She then snapped in snotty tone that last time she stopped smoking she nearly killed herself.   As she was apparently exaggerating her sinusitis symptoms, I assumed she was exaggerating here also, and thus I blurted out:

“Well killing yourself would prevent sinusitis of course!”

She then pointed out that she really had attempted suicide when she last quit smoking. Furwham!!! (The sound of my foot smacking its way through my teeth).  At which point I agreed to give her an unnecessary prescription for antibiotics and let her go and have a fag!

Secondly, a pleasant chap came in complaining of penile warts. I should explain that he had a bit of a northern accent. For those not in the know, British Northerners tend to skip a few word out of their sentences. Now I love Northerners, and have even dated them, and I am fond of the accent, so I am not taking the mick out of their accent, cos ee by ‘eck the last thing y’want is ‘  mardy northern on yer case!

To avoid the wrath of my silly/inappropriate comment what the gentleman should have said was: “I’ve had warts ever since I was a boy”

What he actually said was: “I’ve had ’em from a young boy!”

I knew what he meant.

What I should have said was: “OK”

What I actually said was some comment about him being a paedophile.

Lead balloon anyone?

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